When Someone "Makes" Us Mad

So what can you do when someone has stepped on your emotional toes? The first thing, according to Christian counselors, is to take responsibility for yourself. Your feelings, thoughts, reactions, and sensitivities are your responsibility alone. They may tell you that a boundary has been crossed, but they are not someone else's fault or responsibility. Most of the time, when our emotions get involved, we sort of go back to the level of a three-year-old. Once when my oldest was that age, she had been sent to her room and she was expressing her outrage by yelling out to me, "I'm the little pig and you're the big bad wolf and I'll NEVER let you in!" and other insults. Come on, we're not much different. We may have outgrown fairy tales, but our outrage feels pretty much the same; it can cloud our judgment and prevent us from acting like the adults we are. So taking responsibility for ourselves, the feelings we have, the words we speak and how we speak them, is the first thing. It's only the first, but it's big. If we don't do this, nothing else we do will really be right.

The Limits of Niceness

Don't you just hate it when someone has the nerve to tell you how you feel or what you think or what you experienced? Especially when you've already told them and they think they know better? It leaves me shaking my head--and formulating possible responses into the wee hours. Finally it dawns on me--this isn't really about me; it's about them! This controlling, crazy-making behavior can leave you feeling confused and frustrated, which I think in many cases is the desired effect. I don't want to create an I'm OK you're not OK stance in my conversations, but at the same time, I do want to be clear in my mind and in my responses that you and I are separate, I am the expert on how I feel/think and what I've experienced, and you are the expert on you. If I give respect, I also deserve respect, and this is nothing more than basic respect. Some people expect your "niceness" to include letting them bully or control you. I've learned to define my niceness with appropriate boundaries about me/mine and you/yours: that good old kindergarten stuff. It never stops being important, does it?

The Life of a Nice Person

When we judge ourselves to have taken the high road, made right choices, been a good person, and our lives fall apart, a common reaction is to think, "How could this happen to ME?" As children we learned to behave well so that bad things wouldn't happen to us, and suddenly the world no longer operates that way! Being a grown-up isn't all it's cracked up to be, is it?

Part of becoming mature is finding a degree of acceptance of life as it is, rather than focusing on how it could have been or should have been. This isn't so easy. Believing in God can make it easier or harder, depending on your train of thought. If you think, "God, I'm one of your kids; how could you let this happen to me? I thought you loved me," faith makes it harder. You tend to stay stuck in that spin cycle of "why-me-not-me-God, how-could-you?" You are operating on the false assumption that believers get some sort of special gate pass to an easier road than everyone else.

Unfortunately, there is no golden ticket to a fun trip through our earth life. Being "good" or "nice" is not some sort of protective suit that deflects enemy attacks. While it's fun to imagine we have that kind of power, that's all it is, wishful thinking. In the real world, being nice or good does not buy us a charmed life. Can you accept that? This is one of those "childish things" I Corinthians could refer to that we have to lay aside in order to grow up.

This is how I would go about it. I would go to God and just lay myself open before him, the good the bad and the ugly: admit my childish thinking and expectations, admit that I don't want to give them up, admit that I hold the tiniest bit of resentment against him--OK then if we're being completely honest here, a considerable amount of resentment!, and I would go ahead and whine, yell, cry and throw my tantrum. When I had said it all, I would feel my helplessness and sadness, and I would also feel his tenderness toward me. I would give it all to him and let him enfold me in his arms of love. And I would rest there. That's when being a person of faith makes it easier.

Mr. Nice Guy

Many of us have fallen victim to the "nice guy" syndrome. We might not say it, but we operate on the basic assumption that always agreeing, giving in, giving up, and giving way--being "nice"--is the ultimate show of good character. Standing up for oneself, standing for something, speaking the truth, asking questions is taboo. In fact, if you dare to do it publicly, you are likely to get disapproving stares or even a public correction. If you are seen as a nice person but actually one day display a mind of your own, you will be especially likely to experience some sort of shunning.

You would think that being unfailingly nice would result in being treated well, appreciated and respected, but anyone who has lived like this knows that it doesn't always work that way. I'm not suggesting that we stop being nice, but I am recommending taking a look at our assumptions and expectations and motivations. What does it mean to be nice? Is it really the most important virtue of all? Does the approval of others prove I am acting right? Does their disapproval mean I have done something wrong? What really is most important to me? How does niceness relate to respect? These questions are a good start; more on this later.