When Someone "Makes" Us Mad

So what can you do when someone has stepped on your emotional toes? The first thing, according to Christian counselors, is to take responsibility for yourself. Your feelings, thoughts, reactions, and sensitivities are your responsibility alone. They may tell you that a boundary has been crossed, but they are not someone else's fault or responsibility. Most of the time, when our emotions get involved, we sort of go back to the level of a three-year-old. Once when my oldest was that age, she had been sent to her room and she was expressing her outrage by yelling out to me, "I'm the little pig and you're the big bad wolf and I'll NEVER let you in!" and other insults. Come on, we're not much different. We may have outgrown fairy tales, but our outrage feels pretty much the same; it can cloud our judgment and prevent us from acting like the adults we are. So taking responsibility for ourselves, the feelings we have, the words we speak and how we speak them, is the first thing. It's only the first, but it's big. If we don't do this, nothing else we do will really be right.

The Limits of Niceness

Don't you just hate it when someone has the nerve to tell you how you feel or what you think or what you experienced? Especially when you've already told them and they think they know better? It leaves me shaking my head--and formulating possible responses into the wee hours. Finally it dawns on me--this isn't really about me; it's about them! This controlling, crazy-making behavior can leave you feeling confused and frustrated, which I think in many cases is the desired effect. I don't want to create an I'm OK you're not OK stance in my conversations, but at the same time, I do want to be clear in my mind and in my responses that you and I are separate, I am the expert on how I feel/think and what I've experienced, and you are the expert on you. If I give respect, I also deserve respect, and this is nothing more than basic respect. Some people expect your "niceness" to include letting them bully or control you. I've learned to define my niceness with appropriate boundaries about me/mine and you/yours: that good old kindergarten stuff. It never stops being important, does it?