The Limits of Niceness

Don't you just hate it when someone has the nerve to tell you how you feel or what you think or what you experienced? Especially when you've already told them and they think they know better? It leaves me shaking my head--and formulating possible responses into the wee hours. Finally it dawns on me--this isn't really about me; it's about them! This controlling, crazy-making behavior can leave you feeling confused and frustrated, which I think in many cases is the desired effect. I don't want to create an I'm OK you're not OK stance in my conversations, but at the same time, I do want to be clear in my mind and in my responses that you and I are separate, I am the expert on how I feel/think and what I've experienced, and you are the expert on you. If I give respect, I also deserve respect, and this is nothing more than basic respect. Some people expect your "niceness" to include letting them bully or control you. I've learned to define my niceness with appropriate boundaries about me/mine and you/yours: that good old kindergarten stuff. It never stops being important, does it?

Happy New Year

I have some thoughts to share with you heading into this new year 2011, and some great quotes. I think it's going to be a wonderful year, yet the unknown sometimes scares us. We want to know, and we don't. "No one knows what the next year will bring, but one thing is sure. He will be with us and He is enough" (Amy Carmichael).

Whatever losses we may have experienced already or are anxious about in our future, it's time to let go. It's always time to let go! We have a hard time with this, and so we have to do it over and over again. We can't change anything by clutching at things or people, but it doesn't stop us from trying! My favorite quote on letting go: "If you lose your reason, lose it into the hands of God. It's the only place where anything is safe" (Elizabeth Goudge, The Scent of Water). I have often made substitutions: If you lose your children, lose them into the hands of God. If you lose your joy, lose it into the hands of God. For me, this act of letting go produces peace, as I re-orient myself once again to the fact that God can be trusted when all else cannot. There is tremendous comfort and power in letting go purposefully, letting go--not that what you love will be released untethered into the vast darkness of endless space, but rather--into the safety of God's love and wisdom and timing.

And finally: "I said to the man at the gate of the year, 'Give me a light that I may go forth into the unknown.' And the man replied, 'Put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than a light, safer than a known way.'" (King George)

We are on a sort of safari into the wilds of our own lives. The crucial thing is to stay close to our Guide, and follow His map. He is the one that gets us through safely. He is the one who can be trusted.

If I Could Just Understand!

Not understanding what's happening, and why, is one of the hardest challenges we face in life. When something goes wrong, we immediately want to know, "Why?" If we can't figure it out, it can be hard to recover, and it can be hard to let go of pain and sadness.

The thing is, God doesn't always tell us why; in fact, he usually doesn't. His thinking is so different from ours. He says, "Trust in me with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding." (Pr. 3:5)

When we finally manage to relinquish control of our lives, when we relax into him with trust and faith, we can also give up the quest to understand everything. "Since the Lord is directing our steps, why try to understand everything that happens along the way?" (Pr. 20:24)