The Limits of Niceness

Don't you just hate it when someone has the nerve to tell you how you feel or what you think or what you experienced? Especially when you've already told them and they think they know better? It leaves me shaking my head--and formulating possible responses into the wee hours. Finally it dawns on me--this isn't really about me; it's about them! This controlling, crazy-making behavior can leave you feeling confused and frustrated, which I think in many cases is the desired effect. I don't want to create an I'm OK you're not OK stance in my conversations, but at the same time, I do want to be clear in my mind and in my responses that you and I are separate, I am the expert on how I feel/think and what I've experienced, and you are the expert on you. If I give respect, I also deserve respect, and this is nothing more than basic respect. Some people expect your "niceness" to include letting them bully or control you. I've learned to define my niceness with appropriate boundaries about me/mine and you/yours: that good old kindergarten stuff. It never stops being important, does it?

Mr. Nice Guy

Many of us have fallen victim to the "nice guy" syndrome. We might not say it, but we operate on the basic assumption that always agreeing, giving in, giving up, and giving way--being "nice"--is the ultimate show of good character. Standing up for oneself, standing for something, speaking the truth, asking questions is taboo. In fact, if you dare to do it publicly, you are likely to get disapproving stares or even a public correction. If you are seen as a nice person but actually one day display a mind of your own, you will be especially likely to experience some sort of shunning.

You would think that being unfailingly nice would result in being treated well, appreciated and respected, but anyone who has lived like this knows that it doesn't always work that way. I'm not suggesting that we stop being nice, but I am recommending taking a look at our assumptions and expectations and motivations. What does it mean to be nice? Is it really the most important virtue of all? Does the approval of others prove I am acting right? Does their disapproval mean I have done something wrong? What really is most important to me? How does niceness relate to respect? These questions are a good start; more on this later.