The Life of a Nice Person

When we judge ourselves to have taken the high road, made right choices, been a good person, and our lives fall apart, a common reaction is to think, "How could this happen to ME?" As children we learned to behave well so that bad things wouldn't happen to us, and suddenly the world no longer operates that way! Being a grown-up isn't all it's cracked up to be, is it?

Part of becoming mature is finding a degree of acceptance of life as it is, rather than focusing on how it could have been or should have been. This isn't so easy. Believing in God can make it easier or harder, depending on your train of thought. If you think, "God, I'm one of your kids; how could you let this happen to me? I thought you loved me," faith makes it harder. You tend to stay stuck in that spin cycle of "why-me-not-me-God, how-could-you?" You are operating on the false assumption that believers get some sort of special gate pass to an easier road than everyone else.

Unfortunately, there is no golden ticket to a fun trip through our earth life. Being "good" or "nice" is not some sort of protective suit that deflects enemy attacks. While it's fun to imagine we have that kind of power, that's all it is, wishful thinking. In the real world, being nice or good does not buy us a charmed life. Can you accept that? This is one of those "childish things" I Corinthians could refer to that we have to lay aside in order to grow up.

This is how I would go about it. I would go to God and just lay myself open before him, the good the bad and the ugly: admit my childish thinking and expectations, admit that I don't want to give them up, admit that I hold the tiniest bit of resentment against him--OK then if we're being completely honest here, a considerable amount of resentment!, and I would go ahead and whine, yell, cry and throw my tantrum. When I had said it all, I would feel my helplessness and sadness, and I would also feel his tenderness toward me. I would give it all to him and let him enfold me in his arms of love. And I would rest there. That's when being a person of faith makes it easier.

Mr. Nice Guy

Many of us have fallen victim to the "nice guy" syndrome. We might not say it, but we operate on the basic assumption that always agreeing, giving in, giving up, and giving way--being "nice"--is the ultimate show of good character. Standing up for oneself, standing for something, speaking the truth, asking questions is taboo. In fact, if you dare to do it publicly, you are likely to get disapproving stares or even a public correction. If you are seen as a nice person but actually one day display a mind of your own, you will be especially likely to experience some sort of shunning.

You would think that being unfailingly nice would result in being treated well, appreciated and respected, but anyone who has lived like this knows that it doesn't always work that way. I'm not suggesting that we stop being nice, but I am recommending taking a look at our assumptions and expectations and motivations. What does it mean to be nice? Is it really the most important virtue of all? Does the approval of others prove I am acting right? Does their disapproval mean I have done something wrong? What really is most important to me? How does niceness relate to respect? These questions are a good start; more on this later.