What Are the Chances?

"If you are never scared, embarrassed, or hurt, it means you never take chances." (Julia Soul)

Do you clam up when someone wants to discuss a difficult topic?

Do you break off a relationship as soon as you are unhappy about something?

Do you turn down opportunities because you've never done it before?

Do you let fear (of others' opinions, of failure, of being known) hold you back?

What is it you're most afraid of?

What's the worst that could happen if you go for it and take a chance?

Taking the right chances allows you to move into your true, happy life. It takes wisdom and courage to take chances that help rather than hurt us. What chance will you take today?

When Someone "Makes" Us Mad

So what can you do when someone has stepped on your emotional toes? The first thing, according to Christian counselors, is to take responsibility for yourself. Your feelings, thoughts, reactions, and sensitivities are your responsibility alone. They may tell you that a boundary has been crossed, but they are not someone else's fault or responsibility. Most of the time, when our emotions get involved, we sort of go back to the level of a three-year-old. Once when my oldest was that age, she had been sent to her room and she was expressing her outrage by yelling out to me, "I'm the little pig and you're the big bad wolf and I'll NEVER let you in!" and other insults. Come on, we're not much different. We may have outgrown fairy tales, but our outrage feels pretty much the same; it can cloud our judgment and prevent us from acting like the adults we are. So taking responsibility for ourselves, the feelings we have, the words we speak and how we speak them, is the first thing. It's only the first, but it's big. If we don't do this, nothing else we do will really be right.

The Limits of Niceness

Don't you just hate it when someone has the nerve to tell you how you feel or what you think or what you experienced? Especially when you've already told them and they think they know better? It leaves me shaking my head--and formulating possible responses into the wee hours. Finally it dawns on me--this isn't really about me; it's about them! This controlling, crazy-making behavior can leave you feeling confused and frustrated, which I think in many cases is the desired effect. I don't want to create an I'm OK you're not OK stance in my conversations, but at the same time, I do want to be clear in my mind and in my responses that you and I are separate, I am the expert on how I feel/think and what I've experienced, and you are the expert on you. If I give respect, I also deserve respect, and this is nothing more than basic respect. Some people expect your "niceness" to include letting them bully or control you. I've learned to define my niceness with appropriate boundaries about me/mine and you/yours: that good old kindergarten stuff. It never stops being important, does it?

The Life of a Nice Person

When we judge ourselves to have taken the high road, made right choices, been a good person, and our lives fall apart, a common reaction is to think, "How could this happen to ME?" As children we learned to behave well so that bad things wouldn't happen to us, and suddenly the world no longer operates that way! Being a grown-up isn't all it's cracked up to be, is it?

Part of becoming mature is finding a degree of acceptance of life as it is, rather than focusing on how it could have been or should have been. This isn't so easy. Believing in God can make it easier or harder, depending on your train of thought. If you think, "God, I'm one of your kids; how could you let this happen to me? I thought you loved me," faith makes it harder. You tend to stay stuck in that spin cycle of "why-me-not-me-God, how-could-you?" You are operating on the false assumption that believers get some sort of special gate pass to an easier road than everyone else.

Unfortunately, there is no golden ticket to a fun trip through our earth life. Being "good" or "nice" is not some sort of protective suit that deflects enemy attacks. While it's fun to imagine we have that kind of power, that's all it is, wishful thinking. In the real world, being nice or good does not buy us a charmed life. Can you accept that? This is one of those "childish things" I Corinthians could refer to that we have to lay aside in order to grow up.

This is how I would go about it. I would go to God and just lay myself open before him, the good the bad and the ugly: admit my childish thinking and expectations, admit that I don't want to give them up, admit that I hold the tiniest bit of resentment against him--OK then if we're being completely honest here, a considerable amount of resentment!, and I would go ahead and whine, yell, cry and throw my tantrum. When I had said it all, I would feel my helplessness and sadness, and I would also feel his tenderness toward me. I would give it all to him and let him enfold me in his arms of love. And I would rest there. That's when being a person of faith makes it easier.

Mr. Nice Guy

Many of us have fallen victim to the "nice guy" syndrome. We might not say it, but we operate on the basic assumption that always agreeing, giving in, giving up, and giving way--being "nice"--is the ultimate show of good character. Standing up for oneself, standing for something, speaking the truth, asking questions is taboo. In fact, if you dare to do it publicly, you are likely to get disapproving stares or even a public correction. If you are seen as a nice person but actually one day display a mind of your own, you will be especially likely to experience some sort of shunning.

You would think that being unfailingly nice would result in being treated well, appreciated and respected, but anyone who has lived like this knows that it doesn't always work that way. I'm not suggesting that we stop being nice, but I am recommending taking a look at our assumptions and expectations and motivations. What does it mean to be nice? Is it really the most important virtue of all? Does the approval of others prove I am acting right? Does their disapproval mean I have done something wrong? What really is most important to me? How does niceness relate to respect? These questions are a good start; more on this later.

HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?

It's amazing how much difference perspective can make. People who visit for the first time look out over my back yard and exclaim, "How peaceful! Aren't you just out here all the time?" While I can enjoy the peace and beauty of my back yard, with its flowers in bloom, winding stream, waterfall, and tree-studded hills, when I look out, my first thought is, "I need to clean the pond filter," or "I need to do some weeding." It's all a matter of perspective.

By shifting my perspective, setting aside all the "need to do"'s, I am able to feel the serenity of the moment. It changes everything. What's in your life that could do with a change in perspective?

LAUGH

When we are desperate or frantic or out of control in the way we have fun, it's a problem, but healthy fun is a great way to get in touch with our childlike selves. In that state we can find ourselves more open to God and others, and more in love with life. I recommend it! Have some fun today: Blow some bubbles; turn on the music full-blast and dance; feed the birds; ride your bike; skip rope; share a joke with a friend. LAUGH. It will do your soul good.

What God Wants for You

It has been said that a life watered by the tears of tragedy and suffering often becomes the most fertile soil for spiritual growth. Decades after his own brothers sold him into slavery, Joseph was able to say to them, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done." (Gen. 50:20)

Can you say that? If not, I encourage you to press in closer to the One who intends only good toward you, and has the power to redeem and restore and transform anything. As we pray more, immerse ourselves further in prayer, seek out others who have emerged from tragedy and disaster stronger and wiser and happier, we can grow out of feeling victimized and into triumph by His Spirit. I've been there, and I know.

So if you are not there yet, and despair of ever getting there, be encouraged. There is life, full and lovely, on the other side of whatever you've been through. Believe it!

(For more on recovering from trauma, you might want to check out Welcome to the Fresh-Squeezed Life Cafe. You can find it on Amazon. It is a guide to journal your way to wellness, both emotional and spiritual.)

As Real As Apples

Brynn's new book of poetry has come out, and is available on Amazon for 14.95. Check it out!

Hang on. Look up!

"Shattered dreams," writes Dr. Larry Crabb, "are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story." When we go through terrible things, it can be impossible to believe that there could be a purpose in all that suffering. There have been times I've said to God, "I don't know what this is about, but whatever you're trying to do in me, it can't be worth all this pain!" Yet God is the restorer of what has been broken, the redeemer of that which is lost, the one who transforms what is useless into something worthwhile. This is what God says: "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." (Jer. 29:11) Hang on. Look up! God has it all planned out.